Monday, April 4, 2011

Attachment

Attachment is a strange thing, isn't it? It's always changing. Sometimes we are overflowing with love and connectedness, other times we need to work at it. Ebbing, flowing.

I've made HUGE mistakes with Judah. Last summer, traveling without his dad for three weeks.
Judah was with ME. It would be ok? Right?
Nope. Not right at all.
About two days later, Judah started punching walls, furniture, everything and not talking to me. All he could say was
"I'm angry."
I sat Judah down, turned his face toward me, asked why.
Judah, you have to tell me why you are angry.
He looked with such intensity, like he was challenging me. Tears flew out of his eyes and down his face.
"I'm angry because I miss my daddy."
I should have been on the next flight home, right? Right. Obviously.
I wasn't.
I thought, he's experiencing so much, he's with lots of family. Yes, he's upset...but he will be ok.
I wish I was a bright girl.
After we came home, for THREE months, Judah would be a tear-and-fear-filled mess every single time Tommy left the room.
People have implied that Judah was adopted at such a young age, he doesn't remember, therefore there are no long term effects. I disagree. Very. Much. Disagree.
Hopefully, in a few short weeks, it will be time to bring Aster home. We are counting the moments. Aster will be VERY disappointed if we both don't go. I'm terrified that regardless of how much we front-load Judah, it will be another event he'll need to somehow recover from.
I can't wait until we are all together.

1 comment:

eastiopians said...

We are all walking sort of a blind path. I too, in your shoes, would have thought that he would work that out after a couple of days. So, be easy on yourself. It's what we do with that knowledge and experience that matters so much. You always act out of love...it shows so much. Thinking of you guys and hoping you get her home soon, and that your time away from Judah is easy on his sweet soul.