Right before my summer break, I wrote this, just as a goal:
The heart is a muscle. You test it, create small tears, which build new connections, making it bigger, stronger, more solid, able to carry more. I believe it's better because of all the little (and big) rips and tears.
I've known wonderful people with few tears. Beautiful people. But, I prefer people with tears. I'm proud of my tears.
I'm me because of my tears.
I'm going to take a break this summer and let my heart get lazy and fat.
I'm tired.
Most of me doesn't want to start the adoption process again. My heart isn't ready. I know my heart needs to be strong for that journey. The journey that exercises every single little part of the heart, stretching each cell to the point of breakage. Right now it's lazy and fat.
So, we're going to take our time and hope for some clarity.
My life is all about Judah. Really, everyone's life should be. I just worry sometimes that he should have someone to play/fight with.
Judah knows what "family" is. If I ask him, he'll name members and smile. I know he's surrounded by love.
I always envisioned myself with a VW bus full of children. It's so strange to watch my own vision changing.
4 comments:
Such hard decisions. Thinking of you friend as you feel your way.
You will make the right decision...you will know in your heart what is right for you and your family. Love you.
I was there just a few months ago. And now that we've taken the steps to move forward, I can't but help to wonder if my heart can tear and rebuild for the next months to come without breaking into a million little pieces...Lots of hugs your way!
Danielle - Judah knows he is loved Judah knows he has the best mom and dad in the world. Judah will grow to be a wonderful Man because of you and Tommy and your wonderful family.
Take some time, if it's right you will know,
Love
Chris
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