I'm one of those people that will tell you anything about myself. Freely. I don't understand guarded. I do understand that the guarded style works for some people. I respect that. It just doesn't work for me. I like to love big, cry big, and play big. It's who I am. It usually works for me. And I never. ever. protect my heart.
When I first opened up the envelope of the child we sponsor and saw her brilliant face, I was stunned. Tommy spoke first,
"She looks just like Jude."
"I know. My exact thought."
Within moments our decision had been made: 1. see if she could be our daughter, Jude's older sister, 2. start the process immediately
We've been waiting months to find out if this is a possibility. During which time I became more and more sure that she was going to be our daughter. It's what the universe led us to. It would work out. Free time was spent looking into schools, room decor, etc. We were ready. My heart was set.
Except. I was wrong. Completely wrong.
Germany just adopted her.
I am THRILLED for her. Seriously. Couldn't be happier. I am THRILLED for Germany. I do like Germany and know it's even more lovely now. With her in it.
But, today, when I found out. I cried. It was an odd cry. Not the ugly cry I'm so fond of. It was just random drops. No snot. No heavy breathing. No scrunched up face. Just quick and surprising cool drops. Probably the loveliest cry of my life. And it lasted all day. It's not that I'm not heartbroken. I am. I had a picture. I had plans. I guess I can't ugly cry because I'm so happy for her.
My brains not in it. But, oh, that selfish heart. I can't help it. It's humiliating to admit it. But it hurts. A lot.