Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Jealous of Germany

I'm one of those people that will tell you anything about myself. Freely. I don't understand guarded. I do understand that the guarded style works for some people. I respect that. It just doesn't work for me. I like to love big, cry big, and play big. It's who I am. It usually works for me. And I never. ever. protect my heart.

When I first opened up the envelope of the child we sponsor and saw her brilliant face, I was stunned. Tommy spoke first,
"She looks just like Jude."
"I know. My exact thought."

Within moments our decision had been made: 1. see if she could be our daughter, Jude's older sister, 2. start the process immediately

We've been waiting months to find out if this is a possibility. During which time I became more and more sure that she was going to be our daughter. It's what the universe led us to. It would work out. Free time was spent looking into schools, room decor, etc. We were ready. My heart was set.

Except. I was wrong. Completely wrong.
Germany just adopted her.

I am THRILLED for her. Seriously. Couldn't be happier. I am THRILLED for Germany. I do like Germany and know it's even more lovely now. With her in it.

But, today, when I found out. I cried. It was an odd cry. Not the ugly cry I'm so fond of. It was just random drops. No snot. No heavy breathing. No scrunched up face. Just quick and surprising cool drops. Probably the loveliest cry of my life. And it lasted all day. It's not that I'm not heartbroken. I am. I had a picture. I had plans. I guess I can't ugly cry because I'm so happy for her.
My brains not in it. But, oh, that selfish heart. I can't help it. It's humiliating to admit it. But it hurts. A lot.

16 comments:

Eastiopians said...

I love your big heart.

Julie said...

I'm sorry Danni. Of course you are sad. You pictured her in your family, Judah's big sis. Yes, of course it is wonderful that she found a family, but now you have to let her out of that big ol' heart of yours. Big hugs to you.

Amy Bottomly said...

:( I am sorry Danni!!!! I was also hoping she would become Judah's older sister and your daughter!!!

You are pretty precious and have a very lovely heart.

Nana said...

Dear Danielle and Tommy, I am very sorry that Judah's future sister will not be a part of your lives this time around, but the world is in need of your big hearts, so keep on hoping. Love Nana

Erin Sager said...

sending hugs, Im sorry.

Jocelyn said...

Love you, sending you big hugs. You have the best heart and it is going to open up and love another little girl just as much.

Amy B. said...

The way you live life in a "big" way is my favorite thing about you. That was seriously one of my favorite parts of our time together in Ethiopia...the way you loved Judah outloud...you could see it written all over your face. I am so sorry for this big heartache too. It is a wonderful thing that she has found a home, but I know your heart is hurting none the less. Keep loving big though because some little girl in the very near future is going to love having you for her mommy.

msl said...

Oh Danni I'm so sorry.

I love that big old heart of yours.

Lea said...

So sorry sweetie! Big hugs to you. xo

Karen said...

My heart hurts for you. And keep on loving. Hugs.

J'Laine said...

Oh Danni, I am so sorry for your broken heart (my heart sunk just reading your post). I wish we could hug- talk/cry over a glass of wine together.

The path that was meant to be will open soon...and then it will become apparent why this did not work out. I am one that feels that everything happens for a reason-but that being said...it still hurts the same. Please call if you need to talk...
miss you and your family like crazy!
jill

lindy Young said...

Sorry, love. I knew there was something like this brewing for all your cryptic postings and such, and I was rooting for it to be something great and amazing. Which this was and is, even if the story doesn't end the way you maybe thought it would. Any time someone comes into our hearts in this way, it is always big and beautiful and, ultimately worth it. Even broken hearted, you still KNOW that -- and that is one of those amazing things about you. Isn't it.

I love that this thought is now circulating in the universe. That you two are ready. What hopefulness. What beauty. What a cool thing. I love this.

filoli said...

I sooooooooo get this. Thank you for sharing this story.

jen said...

I'm late reading this.

I'm so sad to read this and I mean I'm happy for Germany and all but I'm really sad with you.

love love
Jen

Ladybugs appear said...

wow. this is so emotionally touching. maybe it's a heart starter for someone else.

Lindsay and Shannon said...

I'm so sorry to hear this...and...thanks for your comment on my blog. Very similar situations. I, too, am quick to open my heart and sometimes this causes extra pain. But, I wouldn't have it any other way, as I'm sure all your friends and family agree about you.