I need to go back. I need to give something. Every time I look into those amazingly perfect and beautiful eyes, I am grateful to Ethiopia. Grateful for what they have given me. Which is everything. I search. I know I will return, but I need to plan an exact date. Set it in stone. I don’t forget those faces. I want to scream out that I remember them ... that I won't forget. I care and love. My love is not without action. I have to go back and I wish it was today. Although I knew before, I did not really know. I didn’t feel it with every cell. I avoided it because it was too much. Now I feel it so deeply. Now it consumes me. I feel so badly living in my world. Throwing away food just past date. Buying clothes although I have a closet full. I can’t believe this is the best me. I always hoped that since I try, that is something (e.g. I use cloth diapers, I’m in a “helping” profession, try to be a good friend, etc.), but I have never felt more useless. I hate this limbo. I will figure it out. I know it will be soon, it has to be.
By the way, I decided that my son is the best/strongest/most amazing/funniest/and most generous/kind person I've ever met. I'm more in love than I knew was possible. If you've met him, you completely understand why ... he's unique and special and extremely important. If you haven't met him, here's additional proof: