Saturday, February 16, 2008


I’m speechless. My words insufficient to explain the emotions (and I have felt them ALL) these last few days. I cannot talk about so much. I know that I will forever be different after this journey. I have been moved and touched and shaken to the core. I have cried openly. I have held tears until I thought I may pass out. I have gone into the bathroom from 3-4 AM and wept; you know, silently, in the fetal position, when you more just cringe and hold your breath and take moments occasionally to sniffle. My tears of joy from being united with my radiant boy have been met with tears from those losing him.
Today I went to the orphanage. The children were gorgeous with ready smiles, and I will always remember: their beautiful voices singing, how small I felt, how brave they were, how hard it was to pretend not to cry (who wants to watch people cry at your life?), and that I meant it when I said “I love you”, but how my love for these beautiful children feels so inadequate and pathetic. After the visit, I went to try to find answers for my Judah. I was unprepared for the pain in knowing he deserves more answers than he will ever receive.

My son is extraordinary. More than extraordinary, I just don’t know a bigger/better/more descriptive word. He makes the best jokes, and he makes a lot of them. Today he made Tommy laugh until tears were rolling down his face. He is also extremely generous about laughing at everyone else’s jokes. All around, Judah’s a good friend to all.

Judah’s Interests:
Eating- he has had many comments in regards to his size including “he’s HUGE!”
Playing, Dancing, Smiling, and Laughing
Loud kisses or quiet ones in the crook of his neck
Holding pretty girl’s hands (he has been caught reaching out and grabbing both Simret’s and Pacey’s hand, this move is followed by shameless flirty moves, which have included: boisterous laughing, bouncing up and down, running fingers through their hair, etc.)
His Nannys at the Thomas Center
Lights and shiny objects
Water fountains
Smiling at his parents in the middle of the night

Areas that Jude is NOT interested in:
Sleeping (although this has improved drastically through the week, so I may have to move this soon)
When mom and/or dad are not looking at him (this has happened only a couple of times and Jude is a benevolent ruler, willing to just talk with them about the situation)
When mom won’t let him shake paperwork right before the embassy appointment
His parents’ learning curve regarding frequency of feedings (they act like they have no idea how much dedication it takes to build and keep up the present bod).
Colds that make him sound like a pug.

Seriously, such a good good baby…and smart, too. He already says “mama”, “dada” and “I love you” in his second language. Tommy and I both heard it. ☺


Hauswife said...

I know that burden. My heart broke at the orphanage, too... and still does when I think about it. I wish we could bring them all home and give them all a happy family!
I'm so glad that Judah is doing great and thrilling your hearts!

Lori said...

Wow, it sound pretty "intense" (if that's even close to the right word).... Your son is truly perfect!

I have no other words, I'm pretty speechless right now. My gut is in my throat just reading the first paragraph.... sigh.... sigh. Hugs and kisses - Lor

Jillienne said...

Welcome home! Love the pictures of your little man in his brown hoodie!

Aimee said...

You put into words beautifully what I felt during my trip. I am not the same person after having been there. Three months later, I still struggle with the question of what should I DO to make this better.
Welcome home andenjoy that gorgeous boy.

LISA said...

Ok,this hurts to even read how gut wrenching it must have been for you.{{HUGS}}
Make all the moments count with Judah.

KelleyO said...

In theory (before I actually met my daughter) I felt that I could handle all the questions the ones I had answers for and the unanswered ones. Now that I look into her eyes and feel her heartbeat, I am devastated at the thought of not having answers. Hang in there you are not alone. Your son is so beautiful.