I've mentioned that I have an obsessive lil' noggin, right? Yup, it's true. So, leave it to me to turn a perfectly perfect night into a complete disaster because I obsessed myself into thinking that something perfectly perfect, perhaps, was not. I like to research things. I enjoy reading. I'm also a bit of a perfectionist in compartmentalized areas. Here's the problem: I got myself on an "attachment" phase. Yes, we are now SUPER attachers. We are basically either testing the attachment (adhering to all codes of ethics) or working on attachment building exercises. Last night's experiment went slightly awry, so I'll share.
My son is a flirt. He likes socialization. A LOT. Jude prefers me when he hurts himself, is hungry, wants something, or to give kisses and hugs. But, if he's not needing me, and someone else he feels comfortable with is around, he'll let me know. He thinks nothing of telling me to back off.
So, I read. I think it's because I work full-time. It must be because he thinks he's "on his own" and needs to be friendly with everyone. I feel guilt and I get teary and panicky. If I didn't obsess, I'd honestly be in heaven. He loves me (and it's not just a one-sided "I love him so much I think he MUST love me back" love). What we've got is real and it's passionate.
BUT, I read and worry. Too much. Too obsessively. I want to be a better mom. I want to be perfect (which is obviously ridiculous).
SO, I try to convince Tommy last night (it took a very long time) that it's WRONG, VERY WRONG, that our baby sleeps through the night. WHAT IF, seriously, WHAT IF, JUDE doesn't think we are available to him during the night (thus, seriously compromising our attachment being secure). So, I decide, quite passionately that we (a) need to start stalking our child during the night, so that if he happens to wake he sees us, (b) need to co-sleep if the stalking happens to wake him up.
Oh, I have a lot more cerebral attachment crap going on, this is just what can be accomplished while our child is unconscious. Mind you, I do not have a meek child. Jude speaks his mind and even knows how to play me. I even know his baby style, ever so slightly manipulative "mama" that's for requesting bottles and when daddy's changing his diaper vs. the super sweet "mama" when he wants to give me sugar. I also know the demanding "mama" when I haven't met his needs quickly enough (he's still training me).
We went to bed. At 2:00 AM I hear Jude cough (I hope it's not due to the smoke, poor SoCal). No, it's not a terrible cough. It sounds shallow, harmless and not continuous. Regardless, we are on attachment mode, so I wake Tommy to create a plan. Our child is uncomfortable. It is NOW the perfect time to let Judah know we are there for him. Whenever he wants.
Tommy finally guesses, "should I wake him?"
I reply, "if you want." (read: if you want to be a good ATTACHED parent...although, it was never discussed that JUDE'S MOM, the one with the issues, wake her poor child. Remember: this is a 2:00 AM plan).
The GOOD parent goes in. He gently rubs Jude's back. Jude wakes, smiles and puts his hands up. Tommy takes him to our bed. Jude thinks it's morning. He laughs and plays. Then, since it's the middle of the night, he gets annoyed. Jude asks for his bottle. We've created a baby with edge. He's screaming the demanding "mama"...He's crazy tired. It took hours to put him back to bed.
Point: If YOU are thinking about waking your sleeping baby, DON'T. Babies apparently need their sleep. Tip: Just hang out with them while they are awake. Your husband and child will like you much better.