Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Changes

I wrote this when I first found out that two trips to Ethiopia will be required to complete our next adoption (one for court, one for the embassy appointment).

First, I'd like to be clear: If the changes help to protect ONE child, I am all for them. ALL for them. 100%. No hesitation.
I hope they do.
Figuring out how we're/she's/I'm going to handle becoming a family and then leaving her for a few months, uuuughh...ok, can't think about that.
Oh, and the extra travel $. I'm not sure where that's going to come from.
Leaving Judah twice. Gulp. Can't think about that either.
I just hope it helps.
I hope.
I need some time to process.
I know I can turn this into a positive*. I know it. I know it.
But, did I mention leaving her?
Did I mention leaving Judah twice?
And that's only if everything goes perfectly (we pass court the first time, etc.).
Ok, I can't think about it.
Can't.
Won't.


I've now had time to process. My decision is very clear: I'm not going to think about it. Not until I need to. The adoption process is stressful. It is. Even the moments when I'm not aware of the stress...oh, it's there.
I was feeling so good during this journey. I was. Tommy was. Judah was. The paperwork was painless. We felt like we knew (mostly) what to expect, but the stress was still there.
Stress makes medium hurdles into big ones. Should I even talk about the real fear? The real fear is that more changes will come. Big ones. Biggest one. Ok, can't think about that. It's not helpful anyway.
In the meantime, can I just tell you about all of the sweet people in our lives who genuinely care/cared that I feel/felt all crumbly? Truth: most people who haven't been through the adoption process don't "get" it. I'm lucky to have you.
I'm also lucky to have people in my life who just "get" me.

I've been told a few times this past year that I'm "strong."

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

Yes, it surprised me too. Each time.
It felt good. Kind of like when Judah points to a picture of the Victoria Secret's model and says, "Mommy!"
It felt good even though I know it's not based in reality.
Last week I got a sinus headache/cold which turned into a super painful eye infection.
That's how I deal with medium news.

I'm just lucky I know you.

*Positives:
1. We will meet her a few months sooner (court vs. waiting until the Embassy appointment- which will be our second trip).
2. The Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) and the California Family Rights Act (CFRA) allows eligible employees to take up to a total of twelve (12) weeks. Traveling for court counts.
3. Ethiopia is making changes to help protect her beautiful children.

3 comments:

Ladybugs appear said...

together we can.

courtney rose said...

xoxo

lindyyoung said...

I know this elderly man who has had a lot of success in his life. His mantra is, "Don't cry till you're hurt." Which is so simple and obvious and has changed my thought process in this massive way. When I see myself getting sucked into what-if-this, what-if-that's of a situation, I realize I am A) Almost definitely not going to figure anything out or be more prepared by cycling around in the craziness and B) Allowing myself to be drawn out of the present moment. Which, blah blah blah. Easier said than done. But I love your thought process here. I agree with everything you said. And I am, for whatever reason, feeling strangely okay about it all. Not that all the negatives aren't still really sucky, but I started thinking that maybe I could plan on making this one trip and just staying in Ethiopia with our little one and Dessi until the US Embassy issues an appointment. I mean, this is just speculative, but it struck me as a way to turn this into something positive and fun, to be able to justify spending some more time in Ethiopia (which I really, reallyw ant to do) and to ease the transition for the newest little one. Just an idea, but it brought me some peace and I thought, well, maybe that. Or maybe something else. Or maybe it will all suck. Hard to say. But the key for now, at least for me, was to stop myself from contracting around the issue, from speculating and forecasting and just to say, okay. We'll see how this all unfurls.

Anyway, all THAT to say, it was great to hear from you about this situation -- I have been curious what you've been thinking.

xoxo Lindy