I wrote this when I first found out that two trips to Ethiopia will be required to complete our next adoption (one for court, one for the embassy appointment).
First, I'd like to be clear: If the changes help to protect ONE child, I am all for them. ALL for them. 100%. No hesitation.
I hope they do.
Figuring out how we're/she's/I'm going to handle becoming a family and then leaving her for a few months, uuuughh...ok, can't think about that.
Oh, and the extra travel $. I'm not sure where that's going to come from.
Leaving Judah twice. Gulp. Can't think about that either.
I just hope it helps.
I hope.
I need some time to process.
I know I can turn this into a positive*. I know it. I know it.
But, did I mention leaving her?
Did I mention leaving Judah twice?
And that's only if everything goes perfectly (we pass court the first time, etc.).
Ok, I can't think about it.
Can't.
Won't.
I've now had time to process. My decision is very clear: I'm not going to think about it. Not until I need to. The adoption process is stressful. It is. Even the moments when I'm not aware of the stress...oh, it's there.
I was feeling so good during this journey. I was. Tommy was. Judah was. The paperwork was painless. We felt like we knew (mostly) what to expect, but the stress was still there.
Stress makes medium hurdles into big ones. Should I even talk about the real fear? The real fear is that more changes will come. Big ones. Biggest one. Ok, can't think about that. It's not helpful anyway.
In the meantime, can I just tell you about all of the sweet people in our lives who genuinely care/cared that I feel/felt all crumbly? Truth: most people who haven't been through the adoption process don't "get" it. I'm lucky to have you.
I'm also lucky to have people in my life who just "get" me.
I've been told a few times this past year that I'm "strong."
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
Yes, it surprised me too. Each time.
It felt good. Kind of like when Judah points to a picture of the Victoria Secret's model and says, "Mommy!"
It felt good even though I know it's not based in reality.
Last week I got a sinus headache/cold which turned into a super painful eye infection.
That's how I deal with medium news.
I'm just lucky I know you.
*Positives:
1. We will meet her a few months sooner (court vs. waiting until the Embassy appointment- which will be our second trip).
2. The Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) and the California Family Rights Act (CFRA) allows eligible employees to take up to a total of twelve (12) weeks. Traveling for court counts.
3. Ethiopia is making changes to help protect her beautiful children.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
The purple suit
This past Monday was our LAST homestudy visit. Our wonderful social worker had met with us before. This time she met Judah.
I was expecting the obvious. He would run full speed into something and get a black eye. He would spend the meeting crying, screaming or attacking. Perhaps he would feel in a more reserved mood and say something like, "I want Taco Bell and cake." Especially since the morning began in a less than ideal way.
It was busy. I had all moments accounted for. The doctor's office opened at 8:30. At 8:30 I was to drop off my medical letter. At 10:30 the notary would arrive. The social worker was coming over and interviewing me from 9:00-10:00 (Tommy from 10:00-11:00). See how perfectly I plan stuff? Foolproof, right?
Judah and I arrived at the doctor's office (right after we stopped by the grocery store to buy fruit- yes, I decided at 8:00 that my home didn't appear to have an adequate supply of visual fruit- you are so lucky you don't live in my brain) at 8:25.
8:40...nothing.
8:50...nothing, but I'm sweating. Not good for interviews.
8:52...the purple suit arrived.
Standing tall and wearing her purple power suit, she held a walkie talkie and proudly wore her badge.
She was drunk with power (which I may or may not have muttered, because Judah repeated "drunk with power" all the way home).
She told us that we would have to check in on the second floor. I told her I just needed to drop off something for the doctor. She took my letter and told me that I would have to turn it in on the second floor for review (which may take awhile), sign a medical records release, etc.
I explained why I needed it and that I needed it to be notarized at 10:30. I tried to be charming.
Very unsuccessfully.
She told me that they "don't do that" and before I could respond ordered someone to "take her downstairs."
I just walked away.
It was 8:55. I was late and sweaty.
We had our interview. Judah was successfully more than charming. He didn't ask for Taco Bell. He didn't say anything about the purple power suit lady being "drunk with power."
He was his fabulous self.
After the meeting, I knew we had mere moments to get the letter to the doctor.
Judah and I have practiced being "sneaky" many, many times. We use this skill to sneak up on Daddy for tickle attacks. Judah is good at it.
When we arrived, I explained that we had to be sneaky. We had to sneak by the purple suit.
Judah tip-toed and whispered. We snuck right by her. The purple suit didn't even know the discreet operation going on right behind her back. We handed off the letter and ran. The letter was notarized. We picked it up after work. The purple suit still doesn't know that she was played by a frazzled, sweaty, desperate mama and a trained-to-be-sneaky two-year-old.
If you need a partner to do top-secret, rule-breaking jobs, Judah's your dude.
I was expecting the obvious. He would run full speed into something and get a black eye. He would spend the meeting crying, screaming or attacking. Perhaps he would feel in a more reserved mood and say something like, "I want Taco Bell and cake." Especially since the morning began in a less than ideal way.
It was busy. I had all moments accounted for. The doctor's office opened at 8:30. At 8:30 I was to drop off my medical letter. At 10:30 the notary would arrive. The social worker was coming over and interviewing me from 9:00-10:00 (Tommy from 10:00-11:00). See how perfectly I plan stuff? Foolproof, right?
Judah and I arrived at the doctor's office (right after we stopped by the grocery store to buy fruit- yes, I decided at 8:00 that my home didn't appear to have an adequate supply of visual fruit- you are so lucky you don't live in my brain) at 8:25.
8:40...nothing.
8:50...nothing, but I'm sweating. Not good for interviews.
8:52...the purple suit arrived.
Standing tall and wearing her purple power suit, she held a walkie talkie and proudly wore her badge.
She was drunk with power (which I may or may not have muttered, because Judah repeated "drunk with power" all the way home).
She told us that we would have to check in on the second floor. I told her I just needed to drop off something for the doctor. She took my letter and told me that I would have to turn it in on the second floor for review (which may take awhile), sign a medical records release, etc.
I explained why I needed it and that I needed it to be notarized at 10:30. I tried to be charming.
Very unsuccessfully.
She told me that they "don't do that" and before I could respond ordered someone to "take her downstairs."
I just walked away.
It was 8:55. I was late and sweaty.
We had our interview. Judah was successfully more than charming. He didn't ask for Taco Bell. He didn't say anything about the purple power suit lady being "drunk with power."
He was his fabulous self.
After the meeting, I knew we had mere moments to get the letter to the doctor.
Judah and I have practiced being "sneaky" many, many times. We use this skill to sneak up on Daddy for tickle attacks. Judah is good at it.
When we arrived, I explained that we had to be sneaky. We had to sneak by the purple suit.
Judah tip-toed and whispered. We snuck right by her. The purple suit didn't even know the discreet operation going on right behind her back. We handed off the letter and ran. The letter was notarized. We picked it up after work. The purple suit still doesn't know that she was played by a frazzled, sweaty, desperate mama and a trained-to-be-sneaky two-year-old.
If you need a partner to do top-secret, rule-breaking jobs, Judah's your dude.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Mama Fail
I had high hopes for today. I had big plans. I spent my lunch finding, what I thought, was really cool material for a new pair of Judah pants. For dinner I had huge doro wat making plans.
Ok, so before I call it a fail, I'll skip to the end. I'm holding a pair of pretty cute pants that I just finished and we have lots of yummy leftover doro wat. It wasn't a total loss.
I came home and decided to cook. I've heard it's a big deal not to burn doro wat, so I felt compelled to stir. To stir a lot. Judah felt compelled to be sad that I was being a bad mama and just ignoring him. He spent half the process looking at me with those big sad watery eyes. During the second half of the process, he was just mad. I felt horrible during the entire process and Judah was obviously unimpressed with me. As a working mama I SHOULD be more attentive when I'm with him, right? I agree. So does Judah. As if to rub it in, I made the dish too spicy for him. I suck. Yes, I do.
After dinner, I showed him the super cute material that I was so thrilled about. Judah told me,
"I don't like it. Take it back to the store. Put it in the bag. Take it in the car. Throw it away." Yes, he suggested ALL of those options.
I explained, "But Judah I'm going to make you super awesome pants with the material."
He explained, "It's not my style. I don't like it. Take it back to the store. Put it in the bag. Take it in the car. Throw it away."
Judah would have been much happier if I would have just ordered pizza and played cars with him.
Ever try to do everything right and just end up doing everything wrong? It was one of those days.
One day I'm going to figure out how to do this mama business right..one day...
Ok, so before I call it a fail, I'll skip to the end. I'm holding a pair of pretty cute pants that I just finished and we have lots of yummy leftover doro wat. It wasn't a total loss.
I came home and decided to cook. I've heard it's a big deal not to burn doro wat, so I felt compelled to stir. To stir a lot. Judah felt compelled to be sad that I was being a bad mama and just ignoring him. He spent half the process looking at me with those big sad watery eyes. During the second half of the process, he was just mad. I felt horrible during the entire process and Judah was obviously unimpressed with me. As a working mama I SHOULD be more attentive when I'm with him, right? I agree. So does Judah. As if to rub it in, I made the dish too spicy for him. I suck. Yes, I do.
After dinner, I showed him the super cute material that I was so thrilled about. Judah told me,
"I don't like it. Take it back to the store. Put it in the bag. Take it in the car. Throw it away." Yes, he suggested ALL of those options.
I explained, "But Judah I'm going to make you super awesome pants with the material."
He explained, "It's not my style. I don't like it. Take it back to the store. Put it in the bag. Take it in the car. Throw it away."
Judah would have been much happier if I would have just ordered pizza and played cars with him.
Ever try to do everything right and just end up doing everything wrong? It was one of those days.
One day I'm going to figure out how to do this mama business right..one day...
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