A year is such an interesting quantity of time to me, a quantity that I can never completely wrap my head around. Or maybe that's the concept of time in general. Regardless, thinking about one revolution around the sun together makes me emotionally charged.
I remember so vividly my thoughts and feelings a year ago. I would like to tell you only about the part of me that felt so full of love that I thought I might burst. I know I felt that. Too full of love. But, the inability to really act on it was difficult. A feeling of helplessness. I had to keep telling myself, that all of the positive energy (love) I put out (as energy cannot be created nor destroyed) mattered. That somehow my scrumptious angel would feel the love. That somehow it would matter. That was tough.
When I first saw Jude's picture, I did love him. But, it was a panicky love, one that persisted for the next four months. One where I felt like I needed to instantly fly over to him and hold him. A panicky love where I feared that at any moment he could be taken away. That he wasn't ours yet, but he was. He was ours as much as we were his. He had my heart and obsessive brain from the moment we started the process. We were born and raised and loved and taught for no other reason than to be Judah's parents. This is really the only thing I know.
I can't believe it's been 8 months since I first held him. I also can't believe it's been ONLY 8 months. One year ago is when I became a mom. I think about his birth mom often. You know how your brain can't think about certain inevitable things TOO much? Well, that's how it is for me regarding Jude's birth mom. The pain she must have felt a year ago- the pain she feels today. The joy and privilege of becoming his parents is matched with the pain and loss she experienced. I know that so much of his sparkling personality is because of her. I now feel that same helpless love for her. I hope she feels it, I hope it matters. I wish she could just see him for a minute, know that he was ok. Know that he was warm and chunky and loved more that he can take. Know how brilliant and perfect we think he is.
We are planning on going back to Africa next summer. Although Judah won't be able to see his birth mom, I want him to see Ethiopia. I want him to be proud of his beautiful country. I'm still trying to figure out our itinerary, but I'm thrilled about the possibilities.
Since pictures are worth a thousand words, I'm working on a montage of him over the past year. Wow, has he changed!
Jude is now basically running. He is very proud of himself and this accomplishment. Judah has recently upped his love expression quotient. He now walks over and hugs people he loves no less than 425099 times a day. His facial expression when he is about to go in for the hug is serious and romantic. During the hug he has a big smile. The hugs feel so good they actually hurt. Our little dude is so good it's hard to take.He is now wearing either 18 month or 2T clothing. Jude is stretching out. I'm not sure I'm a fan of the big stretch out. He still has a nice round tummy and thigh rolls, so I'm not too upset.
He still only has his two bottom teeth. The top ones are barely-visible-sand-grain-sized-morsels. I even love them.
Tommy says "I just love him so much!" at least 2958473 times a day. It's funny, I think we are both shocked at just how much the heart is capable of loving.